Part One: You Should Do This

I'm minding my business on a nondescript January morning when I notice a little red notification on my Instagram app. I pop it open expecting to see what I typically see when I notice a little red notification on my Instagram app: an epic guitar solo or mind bending soccer goal sent from the small group of friends who sends me these things. Instead it's a message from my cousin Laura, a NYC-based dancer who is 5 days older and 5 times more mature than I. I have written about Laura before and the amount of pixelated ink I have spilled of our adventures cannot begin to describe the joy she brings to this world.

The missive consists of a simple command: "You should do this." The directive is accompanied by a link to a post from the American Dance Festival with the headline "Audition Opportunity for NC-based Performers".

Huh? An audition opportunity? Why on earth would she send me an audition opportunity? I skeptically click the link.

Well, now that you mention it, "based entirely on walking" feels right in my wheelhouse, hell I walk every day. Plus, "This Land Is Your Land" slides right into a cozy pair of cowboy boots and blue jeans hanging in the closet of my Oklahoma pride. My childhood home sits just up the road a piece from the Woody Guthrie Center, which itself is located a mere 60 miles Northeast of Woodrow Wilson Guthrie's hometown of Okemah. How 'bout that lil deal?

Welp....

It was fun while it lasted.

Of the nearly half-million words in the English language, the descriptor "diverse" would be nowhere near the top of the list for a mid-30s straight white guy from Oklahoma.

However, what you would find near the top of the list is "misplaced confidence" so I decide to apply anyway ¯\(ツ)/¯

My 7 word response to Laura initiated the fueling procedures for a Saturn V rocket programmed to launch me out of my comfort zone and into another galaxy.

Submit A Headshot

The deadline for applications is March 6th, exactly 5 weeks away. Plenty of time to apply.

Application requirements:

• 150 word biography.
• A short description why you want to partake in this performance.
• A headshot.

To most people this probably seems like a piece of cake. Just knock it out between walkin' the dogs & fixin' supper. But for someone with no relevant experience what in the world do I put in my bio?

And a short description why I want to partake in this performance? I'd need 10 sessions with a psychologist to even begin to answer that question.

Then the headshot. I feel like Kevin McCallister packing his suitcase.

SUBMIT. A HEADSHOT!?

Woof.

Well at least I have over a month to think about it.

So I spend the month thinking and not a minute of doing.

As the March 6 deadline looms more sinister with each passing day I realize that my window to snag a headshot before heading to Utah for a ski trip is rapidly closing. While working from home ahead of my evening flight on March 3rd I spend my entire lunch break struggling to capture an adequate photo.

It started with a simple "headshot examples" image search. Suddenly a panoply of aggressively beautiful people appears in my browser. Ok, so all I have to do is look natural and find a nice set of high cheekbones and chiseled jaw in my size. I'll take one Robert Redford from The Sting please.

After a few awkward selfies I'm horrified to discover that in the course of a single morning of staring at a computer screen my forehead can generate an amount of oil somewhere between the Exxon Valdez and Deepwater Horizon. I make a quick call to FEMA to blast my face with industrial strength surfactants before reattempting.

After degreasing I realize the electromagnetic radiation spilling into my apartment from our noble star is much too bright. I'm going to need some sort of shade. I take a quick inventory of my apartment and find the perfect high-tech implement for the situation.

A used pizza box.

The only object in my domicile that could rival my forehead grease levels.

I hold the empty box above my head with my left hand and snap a selfie with my right. This, of course, results in an asinine posture that's only surpassed in stupidity by the look of demented concentration scrawled across my face. I look like I'm trying to take a photo while caught in a rain storm leaving Dominos.

Ok so that's not going to work.

Whatever, I probably won't get picked anyway. I'll just keep packing.

I stuff my ski boots, helmet, and jacket into my boot bag and update my packing checklist.

Jacket ✓

Ski pants ✓

Gloves ✓

Helmet ✓

Goggles ✓

Boots ✓

Thermals ✓

Skis ✓

Poles ✓

Headshot □

That unchecked box gnaws at me.

My internal Minister of "Be Comfortable Being Uncomfortable" - who I've been grooming the past few years for situations just like this - pipes up, "it's not that big of a deal, just get a serviceable headshot and we'll head to the airport and worry about the rest later."

So I improvise and wheel my bicycle around to the brick wall, balance the pizza box on the handlebars, sit on the floor, and snap the most serviceable headshot in the history of headshots.

If I knew I'd actually get the part I would have saved all the rejects for your bemusement. As it stands I only have the final picture, which looks like I'm Elder Andy standing on your front porch asking if you want a free book about Jesus. Which should attest to how bad the previous photos were.

Headshot ✓

The Performance Contains Nudity

At first you had my curiosity.

Now you have my attention.

As a complete outsider to the world of dance and longtime denizen of the world of overthinking, I couldn't help but ponder, "what exactly does 'contains nudity' mean?" Does contains nudity fall on a performance nudity scale that I'm unaware of?

Excludes nudity
 Suggests nudity
  Teases nudity
   Flashes nudity
    Contains nudity
     Showcases nudity
      Flaunts nudity
       Celebrates nudity
        Overdoes nudity

So I do the most logical thing I can think of... I stroll down to the Durham Public Library to see if I can find some answers.

On the top floor of the DPL I find the 20 volume collection of The Oxford English Dictionary Second Edition, published Clarendon Press, Oxford 1989. I scan the spines until I land on Volume III: Cham-Creeky.

The principal historical dictionary of the English language lists no fewer than 17 definitions for the word "contain." The most pertinent for our purposes are probably:

2. a: To have as part (or the whole) of its contents or substance; to comprise, include.
   • First usage: Richard Rolle of Hampole, 1340.
   b: Of a material body or substance: To have in it (as a constituent element or in combination)
   • First usage: Charles Lucas, 1756.
3. a: To include, comprise, extend over, measure.
   • First usage: Geoffrey Chaucer, 1374.

but then we also have definitions

11. a: To restrain, hold in, keep in check; to hold back, keep back, hinder.
    • First usage: Henry VIII, 1523.
    b: To restrain, put restraint on, repress
    • First usage: George Chapman, 1611.
12. To restrict, limit, confine.
    • First usage: John Lyly, 1579.

What does contains nudity mean?

What does contains nudity mean?

Application ✓

The night before the application deadline I navigate the USS Procrastination through roiling seas in the ominous shadow of Responsibility Island's craggy coastline.

I've been agonizing over two simple prompts for weeks. I've eked out a rough outline of a biography written in fits and starts that may suffice. But then there's the matter of "why you would like to participate in this process and perform this piece?" The more I think about it the less I know why.

After a killer day on the slopes at Park City, I ease into the recliner couch of our family friends Bob & LaGayle, who I stayed with during my 2022 Funemployment Ski Trip Jubilee. This trip to Utah I am joined by my mom, who cozies up on the other end of the couch with LaGayle's 4 tiny dogs.

As for the "why" - I throw out everything I've written to this point and just write how I feel at this moment.

And with that I click the green button, sending my application out into the ether of the internet. At the very least I can rest easy knowing I won't have the nagging question of "what if?"

Ohhh, So THAT'S What "Contains Nudity" Means

The next day after some incredible morning laps of waist deep Utah powder, I head to Umbrella Bar in Canyons Village at the base of Park City Mountain. I order myself a bowl of chili and a Pint of Johnny's American IPA and pop open my email.

Alright, let's give it a look. I open the link to find a video of a previous performance in Paris from 2013. I press play & start scrolling to finally complete my quest to find the meaning of "contains". We start fully clothed, cycle through a few wardrobe changes, then BAM! Full on, ass out, flappin' in the breeze nudity. So THAT'S what contains means.

I quickly realize I'm watching a group of naked strangers on my phone in the middle of a crowded ski bar & slam my phone face down where it remains for the rest of my meal. Don't want my other bar patrons to confirm their suspicions that I'm some sort of weirdo.

So contains nudity=full nudity. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered this possibility. But now that it's confirmed I have a decision to make.

But first I have some more skiing to do.

Well, We've Come This Far

When I return to LaGayle's after the day's skiing I pull the video back up. I want to watch it start to finish to see what I'd be getting myself into.

A split second into the video I realize that I have to say yes. The unmistakable, mesmerizing contralto of Patsy Cline singing Walkin' After Midnight snuggles up to me like an old friend. I've easily listened to this song hundreds of times. As kids our parents would play Patsy Cline on repeat in our old Mercury sedan before Johnny boy came along and we became a minivan family. And then they played Pasty in the minivan. I can still belt out Walkin' After Midnight, I Fall To Pieces, Crazy, and She's Got You in my sleep.

I watch the rest of the video to see the full performance but my decision has already been made. I type up a quick email before hitting the sack.

Hello Kelsey, I watched the performance and plan to attend the audition.

There's no turning back now. Giddy up.